I’ve given myself permission to not clean up after myself. No…surprisingly I am not talking about my room (that has actually
stayed rather clean for me). I’m talking about the messy reality that is
currently my brain.
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| Picture from womenontheirway.com/ |
Before coming to seminary I heard many people talk about the
deconstruction that happens during these three years. I was warned and prepared
to be ready to think, rethink, and think some more about concepts, and
realities that had previously been held comfortably. The image I was frequently
offered was that of a suitcase. I had been told… “get ready to unpack everything,
have it be packed and repacked over and over again, content sprawled across the
floor, lose some stuff, gain some, and hopefully by the end get it all repacked
up in there.”
Fuller even, during our welcome week conversations, offers
the visual of an overhead compartment during flight, saying, “Be cautious, content may
have shifted during flight.”
These visuals are good, and I like the concept of packing
for a journey along the way…but there is something about an open suitcase with
clothes sprawled all over my room that doesn’t quite capture what I feel to be
happening, or even a suitcase being thrown around during flight. These images
don’t reflect the participatory, active experience here…it seems too idle.
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| yay for craft nights |
This past Friday I put the books down to be crafty
for a bit. I didn’t bring my sewing machine out here and I have missed it, but
I think I got my fix for a little while. As I was working on these fun little guys I was reflecting on my experience thus far,
and why these images mentioned above weren’t cutting it for me. I started
thinking about my craft spaces when I get working on a big project. Take for
example the quilt I was making right before I moved out here. My parents can
attest that when I get working on a project…supplies, patterns, and scraps
completely take over (sorry for stealing your dining room for two weeks). Mid-project I see no reason to clean up and put
everything away neatly, I’m only going to take it all out again later. It’s a work in progress. I would prefer have
it out and ready for the next time I go to work. While it is chaotic and messy
(and here is where I suppose I should be thankful to be an ENFP), for me it is
an image of productivity.
Last week in my New Testament class I found myself getting
frustrated as my professor was wrapping up his lecture. I realized I was
getting so exhausted because each class I was attempting to take in all
the information I could, sort through it, and find the correct place for it to
fit neatly back into my brain…this just wasn’t happening. So I have resolved to
allow myself to have an unkept workspace for a bit. Concepts aren’t going to be neatly tied up,
I’m going to leave my supplies sprawled out ready to be picked up again
tomorrow, but good work is being done. I am mid-process. Even if I stuck with
the visual of a suitcase…I am still not convinced that in three years I am
going to have my bag neatly packed up (and I’m ok with that). But as I sit in
the middle of this messy, challenging, overwhelming, unkept workspace, I know that this is a
journey worth taking, and some beauty will come out of it in the end.
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| Picture from aforestfrolic.com |
